Art Basel & insecurities

I went to Art Basel in Wynwood by myself today. I learned a lot about me. 

I learned that I still care a LOT about what other people think of me. 

One way that comes out is that I still have insecurities about my fashion. I was feelin myself in my outfit but as I started walking down the street alone, I began imagining that I looked frumpy and dumb. I started wondering why did you wear that? Why did you put those pieces together? Why are you wearing such a dark lipstick? 

I have always loved fashion, and when I was very small whatever I thought was beautiful, I wanted to wear. Which was almost everything. My mama loved to dress me up when I was a baby, because I would get so excited. Then she would go to yearly rummage sales at the nearby churches, and bring home bags and bags of clothes for all of us, and I loved everything she got. I was fascinated by it all, no matter the color, the style…although I did love me some shine and some glitter. I had a shiny peach skirt I would where everywhere. My mom usually didn’t let me go out of the house in “dress up” clothes, but I remember one time going to the library in a cinderella dress and cowgirl boots. I had two pairs of purple stirrup pants and some matching purple shirts that my brothers still talk about me wearing to death. 

As I grew older, I started noticing others’ style and what was “in,” and I started to become more particular. I’ll never forget the time my mama came home from a rummage sale with a gold glitter turtleneck, and I thought it was tacky. She was so disappointed. 

I didn’t have money to be able to put together a stylish outfit, and I never felt like my clothes were as cute as anyone else's. I didn’t think of it like I was poor, or envy my friends, because I’d never known anything different. I would just attempt to think of ways to earn money to buy the new styles, or I would make or re-make my own clothes into what I’d seen other people wearing. But I dreamed about the day when I could buy not just the same clothes as my friends, but even better…when everyone would look at me in awe because of my impeccable fashion. 

Apparently the insecurity from back then still follows me around. Often I feel like I am the best dressed in the room, the most “cool,” and I’m proud. But there are times when I feel like what I thought was so coordinated now just looks awkward, and everyone is wondering why I wore it. 

I haven’t consciously realized any of these thoughts before now. Welcome to my self-therapy session. I thought I was past all of this loooong ago. But everything came roaring back up today as I walked the streets of Wynwood alone. Here was this massive festival with thousands of people, and they were all there with someone. None of my friends were able to go on Sunday, or didn’t want to. They went another day or not at all. I’ve gone to Wynwood by myself before with no problem…but this was different. This was an event made to enjoy with the people you love. To be real, I probably could’ve found someone to come with me, but I was too proud to keep asking. 

I almost didn’t even get out of the car. I had been second-guessing myself all week, but I was so excited about the art and wanted to immerse myself in it. However, as I drove around looking for parking, my mind was slammed with thoughts. What are you doing here? Why is there no one on earth you could’ve gotten to come with you? What if you run into someone you know, and they feel sorry for you? You are going to look at all of this amazing art and it would be so cool if you had someone to take pictures of you…but no. You have no one. You are an outsider, like you always were, and you will always be.  

As I write this out, it’s so clear that those aren’t my thoughts. But that the enemy could even think he could bring this attack against me, and it begin to work in a big way…this is so eye-opening. I thought I was “so strong,” and mature. This is why the Bible says to "Be on your guard and stay awake. Your enemy, the devil, is like a roaring lion, sneaking around to find someone to attack” (1 Pet 5:8 CEV). If you ever believe that an area of your life is completely safe from attack, you are in a very dangerous position, believe me. 

And…there’s more. I kept my headphones in my ears the whole time so I could act like I was in my own little world…which I kinda was…but for most of the day I didn’t even have music playing. One time, no lie, I started pretending like I was talking on the phone so I didn’t look so pathetic. 

In the meantime, while my emotions were going wild, the rational side of me knew these thoughts were crazy, and I made up my mind that I was going to Art Basel, and that I was going to enjoy myself. I’ve been wanting to check this thing out every year for years. Nothing was stopping me. 

I walked those streets for 3 hours. I enjoyed every single piece of artwork. I took dope pictures. I shopped every street side market I could find, and bought two cute pair of $10 shades. I went to The Salty Donut which I have wanted to do FOREVER, and absolutely loved it. I’m still dreaming about the maple and bacon donut. 

I also told myself other thoughts to counter the lies, things I know just from spending my life watching people. I said, you’re ridiculous, first of all, no one is even paying attention to you. Second, anyone who is hating, plus some more, are probably wishing they could look as cute as you (because us girls literally do this, unconsciously or consciously, all the time). Third, you knew your outfit was cute when you left the house, and ain't nothing changed about that. Fourth, you are already more brave than most people you know because the only reason everyone else here is with someone, is because the ones who couldn’t find anyone to come with…stayed home. 

LOL...I’m sharing all of this in so much detail just because I feel like so many people, especially girls, can relate. And I just want you to have a chance to sit there and be real with yourself, and say, dang, SHE feels like that? I thought I was the only one. 

But truly, all the ways I handled today were unhealthy. The negative thoughts, the acting and pretending, the combatting with “positive” thoughts…I mean yeah, it was ok. But there’s a better way. 

Everything today was superficial. Ya’ll know I like to get deep. We live in a spirit reality. What we see is not 1/10 of what is really going on. Yet everything about what I was going through today had ONLY to do with the physical reality.  

I am not my body. I have a body. For real, the only attention I should be paying to my body is whatever I can do to it to help it attract you to my spirit. Because my spirit is the daughter of the living God. And my spirit is empowered to change your entire existence. My spirit can heal you, deliver you, bring you peace, joy and fulfillment. This is my desire and the purpose of my entire existence. 

So this is the reality I need to walk in, I long to walk in, and I honestly thought I was walking in more, before today. But it doesn’t matter because I know now. I know there is still so much deception that has been creeping up on me, and I’m excited, because it can’t live here anymore. 

This whole thing, to me, is about being real. With yourself, with people who can be real back to you, with God. The sooner you can see areas you struggle in, the sooner you can apply the word of God, remember that you’ve already won this fight, and get out of there. I get excited when I’m able to learn about myself, whether it’s through an experience like today, or through the words of my family and friends. I want to know the truth. Sometimes I don’t receive it well at first, but I will always come back to it. Because I want to be—no, I will be—everything God has destined me to be. 

'And I pray that he would unveil within you the unlimited riches of his glory and favor until supernatural strength floods your innermost being with his divine might and explosive power.' Ephesians 3:16 TPT

'So now every righteous requirement of the law can be fulfilled through the Anointed One living his life in us. And we are free to live, not according to our flesh, but by the dynamic power of the Holy Spirit!' Romans 8:4

'So now every righteous requirement of the law can be fulfilled through the Anointed One living his life in us. And we are free to live, not according to our flesh, but by the dynamic power of the Holy Spirit! So then, beloved ones, the flesh has no claims on us at all, and we have no further obligation to live in obedience to it. For when you live controlled by the flesh, you are about to die. But if the life of the Spirit puts to death the corrupt ways of the flesh, we then taste his abundant life. The mature children of God are those who are moved by the impulses of the Holy Spirit. And you did not receive the “spirit of religious duty,” leading you back into the fear of never being good enough . But you have received the “Spirit of full acceptance,” enfolding you into the family of God. And you will never feel orphaned, for as he rises up within us, our spirits join him in saying the words of tender affection, “Beloved Father!” ' Romans 8:4,12-15